I think I'd like to avoid dating until my 50th birthday. It's a lot of work, major effort, with small amounts of pay out...or none at all.
It's fun though, good practice.
Yeah, right.
It's not all bad. I've met some nice guys along the way, made some friends. And I always say I'm not in any hurry.
So no worries here.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Monday, May 21, 2007
Pouring My Heart Out
I've been reading Dr. Laura's book some more - it is great. I highly recommend it to everyone. I've only been reading it for a day or so and it's already changed my views on a lot of things. Right now it has me sitting here in tears.
For 10 years I've tried to be strong, to tell myself and the world that I am ok with being a Single Mother. But the truth is that this is not where I imagined myself being 10 years ago.
I expected to meet a great guy who would love me and want to raise my son as his own. That was the plan anyway. I've met a few great guys over the years but none of them turned out to be what I was looking for. And as much as I'm ok with being alone and as much as I tell myself I'm not looking for someone to fill the role of my son's father, I'm not sure that is true.
All I ever wanted to do was get married and have kids. I always felt like I was a natural mother, that my entire purpose on this planet was to have a family I could love and take care of. There are times when I want to be married so much it hurts my entire body - to be a lover, a companion, a confident, a best friend. It often feels like a peice of me is missing, that I'm not fulfilling what I was sent here for.
I want my son to have a father. I want him to have brothers and sisters he can spend time with and fight with and learn from. I want him to have a huge group of people cheering him on at every major (and even minor) event in his life. I want him to have someone he can go out in the yard and toss a baseball with or go to the basketball court and just have a great time. As much as I am willing to do those things with him, it isn't the same.
This life is not what I had planned for us. We have so much more to give. When I see my son with his friends little brothers and sisters, when I hear him tell me all of the amazing things they do, I want so much for him to have a little brother or sister of his own. When I see him playing football with his cousins, I wish he could have a big brother (or be the big brother) to do those things with any time he wants.
Most of all I want someone to fall asleep with at night. Someone to hold me in his arms and make me feel protected, safe, loved. Someone to share the struggles of parenthood with. Someone to cry with when the world goes all wrong.
In the meantime, I'll keep working on me and becoming the person I really am suppose to be. And I'll keep hoping.
For 10 years I've tried to be strong, to tell myself and the world that I am ok with being a Single Mother. But the truth is that this is not where I imagined myself being 10 years ago.
I expected to meet a great guy who would love me and want to raise my son as his own. That was the plan anyway. I've met a few great guys over the years but none of them turned out to be what I was looking for. And as much as I'm ok with being alone and as much as I tell myself I'm not looking for someone to fill the role of my son's father, I'm not sure that is true.
All I ever wanted to do was get married and have kids. I always felt like I was a natural mother, that my entire purpose on this planet was to have a family I could love and take care of. There are times when I want to be married so much it hurts my entire body - to be a lover, a companion, a confident, a best friend. It often feels like a peice of me is missing, that I'm not fulfilling what I was sent here for.
I want my son to have a father. I want him to have brothers and sisters he can spend time with and fight with and learn from. I want him to have a huge group of people cheering him on at every major (and even minor) event in his life. I want him to have someone he can go out in the yard and toss a baseball with or go to the basketball court and just have a great time. As much as I am willing to do those things with him, it isn't the same.
This life is not what I had planned for us. We have so much more to give. When I see my son with his friends little brothers and sisters, when I hear him tell me all of the amazing things they do, I want so much for him to have a little brother or sister of his own. When I see him playing football with his cousins, I wish he could have a big brother (or be the big brother) to do those things with any time he wants.
Most of all I want someone to fall asleep with at night. Someone to hold me in his arms and make me feel protected, safe, loved. Someone to share the struggles of parenthood with. Someone to cry with when the world goes all wrong.
In the meantime, I'll keep working on me and becoming the person I really am suppose to be. And I'll keep hoping.
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Therapy in Hardcover
I started reading Dr. Laura's book 'The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands' today. While I realize that I do not currently have a husband, I do spend a lot of time trying to figure out how the male mind works so I figured it couldn't hurt to get her, well, input.
I also borrowed Dr. Phil's book 'Love Smart'. I had read it last year before I was ready to actually start dating again and it helped a lot - I think it can help even more to read it now that I've actually started to dip my toe into the dating waters again.
I have a pretty good idea in mind of what I'm looking for in a guy and in my relationships. The hard part is figuring out who I am and sticking with it - instead of remaking myself in to what I think they want me to be.
They say that woman tend to fall for a guy the way he is and then try to change him. I think I have the opposite problem - I tend to fall for guys the way they are and either they end up trying to change me or I change for them. I also get too impatient and tend to try to get things to go faster than they really should go, putting too much pressure on everything and screwing it all up.
The closer I get to thirty the more patient I seem to become. I'm not in any rush to get anywhere - I like my life the way it is - but I am open to possibility.
I also borrowed Dr. Phil's book 'Love Smart'. I had read it last year before I was ready to actually start dating again and it helped a lot - I think it can help even more to read it now that I've actually started to dip my toe into the dating waters again.
I have a pretty good idea in mind of what I'm looking for in a guy and in my relationships. The hard part is figuring out who I am and sticking with it - instead of remaking myself in to what I think they want me to be.
They say that woman tend to fall for a guy the way he is and then try to change him. I think I have the opposite problem - I tend to fall for guys the way they are and either they end up trying to change me or I change for them. I also get too impatient and tend to try to get things to go faster than they really should go, putting too much pressure on everything and screwing it all up.
The closer I get to thirty the more patient I seem to become. I'm not in any rush to get anywhere - I like my life the way it is - but I am open to possibility.
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